What is your darkness?

@postaday 212; #postaday2011.

The moon and the street lamps.

Yesterday’s blog entry got a lot of hits but only one comment. I did,  however, receive a few comments via Twitter direct messages. I completely understand.

When someone you know does something that makes you feel as though you had them pegged incorrectly, it sets you back. It makes you wonder how you missed the indicators that a person is not exactly who they present themselves to be. You struggle with your impulse to judge lest you be judged.

We all have our dark sides. We all have our dark thoughts. Whether we choose to act on them or not is the silky fine thread of separation. If this darkness stays within or is acted upon privately and discretely, it’s only yours. When you let the darkness bleed into your life, penetrating your career, your family, affecting innocent people, taking you to the edge and beyond, then it isn’t right.

This brings me to consider the struggle gay people have about coming out. I’m glad that it’s OK to be gay. Generally, it is. But there are people, I am sure, who struggle with this double identity, to hide it from their parents and other loved ones, to keep it under wraps because they think it could cost them their job and traditional relationships. It is a burden they choose to bear but long to discard. The timing is personal, and it could mean sacrificing the greatest love they’ll ever know because they couldn’t set themselves free.

We all have double identities that never surface. Who needs to know you need to be bound to feel love, eat until you purge, max out your credit cards, or wear your underwear two days in a row? Who needs to know whether you sleep in the nude or not? Who needs to know your secrets?

To a degree, I think we all want to share the crud we hide. We are all in search of that one person we can fully trust, who will never betray us, who will let us have our darkness and never use it against us. But sometimes it’s really a good idea to not burden them with the worst we can be.

What if we get caught? What if we are found out? What if what we do is criminal, against the law, a despicable crime that ripples harm beyond the id? It’s a personal decision to own it, to seek rehabilitation or redemption. Find those who wish to remain your friends. Learn. We’re all working toward being that whole person we should be.

By lavagal

Hawaii Kai wife and mom. Melanoma Stage 3a Cancer survivor. English Language Arts teacher, English Learners Coordinator, and Paraprofessional Tutor. Super sub teacher. Dormant triathlete. Road cyclist and Masters swimmer. Gardener. Mrs. Fixit. Random dancer. Music Curator. A teenager trapped in an aging body. Did you know 60 is the new 40? It is.


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