Positive changes.

@postaday 232; #postaday2011.

Push these buttons.

We’re all in control of our words, and I think some of you are much better at letting those that sting roll off. I really try hard to write or say the right things, but obviously I get it wrong. This weekend Kid1 was having a personal melt down about homework, and my response was regarded as shrill by John, which infuriated me more.

Why is it the people I know and love don’t get my point? I’m not being shrill, I’m stating a fact. I’m not fighting, I’m presenting a case. Hear me out, let me make myself clear and don’t accuse me of whipping up a war of words.

At home where I’m Alpha Female, I can say what I want, but of course, all words are chosen carefully. Am I alpha at work? Am I alpha at the store? Am I alpha in traffic? No. But there is an expected level of exchange, of give and take, of manners, graciousness, and respect.

For about 24 hours I’ve been thinking about how I let the words of some deeply affect me. I worry too much. I bet they have no idea how much pain I let happen to myself as a result. But I realize that I can control my reaction to those words. It’s a huge internal pep talk because I refuse to share the minute details of this struggle or the source of my crumbling confidence. And besides, we all live our lives the best we can, and we all have our own set of challenges in the physical, mental, and emotional realms. I tell myself to stand up tall and shoulder my own.

I feel like I’m a 22 year old sometimes. Who knew that many years after 22 one can still feel like all they ever do is try, Yoda or not?

So this morning when I got to work, I did a little bit of cleaning of my cube. It’s an affirmation that I’m in control of a space that’s this big by this big. Counters wiped, cobwebs in my brain swept away, dried flowers bundled up for grabs on the mail box counter. Tonight I will tell my daughters about it. They’re always interested in my work experiences and I can see them think about what I’ve told them.

Every now and then I need to do this physical sweep of my desk. It clears my mind and it gives my heart hope.