Would you change anything about yourself?


@postaday 76; #postaday2011

I think we all would change something about ourselves.

I guess our personal histories shape what we are in The Now. If we were to change something about ourselves, we might have to go back into time and alter events in our lives. That can’t be done, so let’s just think about one thing we could change and possibly do it.

I wish I couldn’t tell when people go dark on me. I wish I could say hello to someone, have them say it back, strained or not, and be done with it. I wish I couldn’t tell that they didn’t want to say hello. And then there are those who do not even bother. They avoid eye contact, look straight ahead, emotions shuttered by the well-practiced game face. It’s not shyness, although it might be insecurity. I wish I never said hello to them in the first place. But, out of station, out of respect, out of hope, I throw it out there. And it never boomerangs. It just goes off this precipice, taking my self esteem with it.

Would I change that about myself? Probably not. Can I give up? Can I live without hope? Can I stop reaching out for a connection?

What’s it like to not care about that? Or, what’s it like to be in that position to choose not to reciprocate? What if there were an earthquake or a tsunami and Hawaii was devastated, and I needed you and you needed me?

I guess I would have more confidence. I guess I would develop a thicker skin. I guess I’d happily live in my own world, and rather than feel overlooked, overlook the perceived slights.

Here is a lesson for MiniMe, aka Kid2, and I’m still learning myself.

Author: lavagal

Hawaii Kai wife and mom. Melanoma Stage 3a Cancer is my new opponent. Writer, super sub teacher, triathlete, awesome cook, ocean girl with head-to-toe sun protection.

2 thoughts on “Would you change anything about yourself?”

  1. You’re a better person than I am for continuing to put yourself out with friendly greetings when they’re not being reciprocated. You just have to tell yourself that this is what civilized folk are supposed to do, and keep on doing it, knowing that those who do not respond in kind are either troubled souls, were raised by wolves or are a**holes. I guess there’s not a lot of raising-by-wolves going on nowadays, so that might cut the list of possible excuses for lack of simple courtesy.

    I myself usually stick to the simple nod, but when I’m out running, I often extend myself with the spoken “good morning” to a fellow runner. When I get nothing in return, from another member of a self-selected community of sufferers, it’s disappointing. If that someone is a woman: What, does she think I’m hitting on her with a courteous greeting on the road? Puh-leaz! But I understand how women might feel they need to have their defenses up. If it’s another man, or even a couple that does not reciprocate, that potential excuse is somewhat diminished. Then I have to consider that they are so “in the zone” that they can’t reciprocate a greeting. Or too hopelessly cool. And, of course, hopelessly cool is code for a**hole. A couple of snubs and I stop putting myself out there for a while. Until some other runner actually greets ME, whereupon I respond and am heartened enough to resume greetings, to continue the cycle anew.

    Anyhow, here’s to you for continuing to put yourself out there. After all, you weren’t raised by wolves.

  2. i was puzzled by your choice of the words ‘station’ and ‘respect’. it sounds like you are describing this cold shouldering as a workplace phenom. if so, you may be working in a dysfunctional fear factory, business as usual in the USofA.

    if you are referring to the larger world, you may be living in a dysfunctional fear factory, life as usual in the USofA

    but keep smiling and saying hello. you may say you’re a dreamer, but you’re not the only one.

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