I am. The girls are on a sleepover together. Before I realized all they should have with them tonight, they were gone, ready for an evening swim and then to spend the night at a friend’s house less than a mile away as the egret flies. I texted them. I told them to be sure to get some extra blankets to stay warm as the rain and cold front presses down on Oahu later tonight.
Tonight I made salmon cakes for dinner, and no one could see the golden crispiness I had achieved. I roasted vegetables, I made a tartar sauce with capers and gherkins, a shot of Tabasco and of Worcestershire, a dash of Old Bay. I had merlot, which probably doesn’t go with all that, but when you’re alone, you get to break all the rules. I just didn’t feel like sharing a photo on Twitter or Facebook, like I am accustomed to doing.
Pretty soon, John will be home from work. He’s the guy who knows I like ice cream with marshmallow swirl in it. Not marshmallows, but the swirl.
Several times in my life I have lived alone. I enjoy the solitude, but when I am alone, I find myself longing to connect. Back then there wasn’t email, or texting, or all that social media avails to us. I had a telephone answering machine, which was pretty high-tech back then. All those movies with plots that revolve around missed calls and voice mails really are a thing of the past aren’t they?
After I watched a PG-13 movie, “Intolerable Cruelty,” I cleaned up and sat down here to blog. While washing the dishes, I thought about how as much as I like the idea of being alone, I am not a loner. When I surf, I want someone else out there. They don’t even have to know me, nor talk to me. Just be there. When I SUP, I want to see others on the bay. I want them to see me. I want someone to notice if I fall, bump my head and land on the sharp coral. When I ride my bicycle alone or with John, which I enjoy, I want to see other cyclists on the road. I long to see a face I know, just to wave, just to say “Hey! I saw you! Great ride!” Often I’m not even looking around when I ride. But if I do, and I see you, well, what a treat. Even when we ride together, I often feel alone, lost in my thoughts, but it’s nice to know John is right there, and we’re supporting each other.
When I am home alone, like I am now, I keep my cellular phone close for my family to text me. I keep my iPhone close, my laptop close, my iPad close, so I can connect, respond instantaneously, be in the cloud, so to speak. It’s comforting to see my friends on Facebook and Twitter, to enjoy each others news, or to share our despair, to push news links, our causes, music and art, a comforting thought, a memory. I understand some people have seen friends say good bye on Facebook or Twitter and then kill themselves. If they do that, why don’t they give their friends a chance to assure them of their value?
Sometimes it’s the deepest a relationship will get. And let me tell you, words on a computer screen, launched when we hit send, are powerful conveyors of what we really think or feel about each other. There are words we show, and there are words we hope others find, the ones that are in between, the ones that happen somewhere in the spaces, between the lines. There are things we write, things we say, and things we mean.
Or is that just something a woman understands?
Workout day 55; @postaday 36; #postaday2011