I Beat Myself Up


I beat myself up a little bit every day, and a lot other days. Yesterday it was a lot. It got so bad between my ears that I had to go home and take a nap after work. I stepped back from social media for fear that I’d do more damage than good, and I let time heal my soul. I still feel a little sore from the emotional bruising, but it’s a new day.

It’s just that I expected yesterday to be a good day. I even said so when I checked in at work on Foursquare:

White rainbow? CHECK! Good parking space? CHECK! Home-brewed coffee? CHECK! Gonna be a great day? CHECK!

Paula just checked in @ Hawaii Medical Service Association (Honolulu, HI)

It was all downhill from there. Today’s check in was noncommittal. Felt like I needed to stay neutral. Yesterday, the documents I had worked on came back bleeding with edits. And some of the edits were on the tracked changes. Where I said I’d take out a hyphen, someone said take out a hyphen. I was ready to put it in their face and tell them that’s what I was doing. But every time I do something like that it gets really messy. I stutter, I can’t think straight, and I create irreparable riffs in my relationships. I was glad I didn’t. I have some rough spots with this person and that, but I don’t want to. I want them to smooth over with time. One of my colleagues just told me he gets stuff back marked up all the time and that he thinks our boss pulls her hair out working on our stuff. That made me happy. Not that she marks his stuff up, but because I’m not the only one! So far she still has all her hair, so maybe we’re doing OK.
I am living proof that we can be our own worst enemies. Today I read this article on Lifehacker. If you feel like one of the world’s biggest dorks like I do, check it out: http://lifehacker.com/5891564/recalibrate-your-reality. Some of the things I’m already doing, but other things I’m going to start executing. If you feel like you’re always trying to get better at work and life and relationships like I do, then maybe you’ll find some nuggets in that article, too.
I’m so into Lifehacker. It helps me find ways to fix me. LOL.
What a mess. I think I’ll lay low today, too.