Trying to find a happy place.

@postaday 155; #postaday2011.

I’m not a big baby, but my heart is heavy, it aches, it’s been in darkness for so long I can’t remember when I felt completely happy. I get that euphoria when I work out at the gym, go for a swim, or ride a bicycle, but even then sometimes the thoughts and worries fill me, complementing the rhythm of my pulse, my breath, my pace. Exercise clears my head, and I’ll soon head out for a workout. Then I’ll feel better. But the problems remain, the ones I cannot solve, the ones I am helpless to control.

Indeed, some things are out of my hands, but it doesn’t mean I can forget them. Such as Sophie. She’s at UH this week. This morning we chatted. Good times are limited to the actual learning. During the down times, the socializing times, the youngest kid on the block isn’t included. She’s got a good head on her shoulders. She doesn’t want to party. She’s 11. I’m glad of that. But my heart aches because this isn’t 100-percent fun for her. While chatting this morning she told me she wants to be an astrobiologist. Does anyone even know what that is?

An excerpt from today’s chat:

Sophie: haha yup

7:09 AM i think i wanna go into astrobiology
 me: that’s so amazing. the frontier is endless! I think we should get all kinds of space TV and movies for you to check out FOR FUN!
 Sophie: the search for possiblilties of life outside our solar system by analyzing asteroids and stuff.
 me: I must always look at the sky. I love the sea and I love the sky.
7:10 AM Sophie: omg space movies REALLY???!! 😀
  me 2
 me: Yes. We’ll just strap you into a chair and leave you there for hours and hours with no breaks. 😛
 Sophie: hehe do i get snacks?
7:11 AM me: fed to you by your sister!
 Sophie: …. meaning my arms are tied,too?
  if u untie my arms and let me have snax then u have a deal 🙂
7:12 AM heehee
 me: then i’d have to duct tape your lips, then you can’t eat. it’s a you cant win cant win sit you ay shun.
 Sophie: lol
 me: I keed. I keed.
7:13 AM Sophie: heehee
I’m trying to keep her upbeat with my dumb jokes and wacky humor. I’m trying to stay upbeat myself. I dunno. Maybe it’s the shooting yesterday that has had an effect on me. I don’t even want to hear or see the word ‘random.’ It’s no fun anymore. Anyway, I think there will be a lot of deep sighs on my part, a mini tropical depression, heavy atmosphere pushing down on my throat, fitful sleep patterns, for a few more days.
Once she’s through with this test-slash-adventure, she’ll be pleased, she’ll come away with the good stuff. She might even want to return next year. She’ll be the kid who looks for the little nerdette geek who is trying to find a happy place. I know she will. It’s what we do.