No One Has to Worry About Me.


You might think I’m some hard-bodied babe or a bad-a$$ bully girl, and that would be wrong. I’m too soft, I’m very cuddly, I am insecure, and I have a hard time sitting down on the ground. Lately, I have a hard time sitting in a chair or sleeping in bed. Most of the time something hurts. A lot of the time I feel inadequate and klutzy. I always wonder what I’ll be when I grow up, when I’ll peak professionally or personally, or if I missed my chance altogether.

I am no one’s competition.

chili pepper bandanna
I’ve had chili pepper bandannas for a long time to dab my sweat and tears.

There are some of you who know me and will say to yourself:

  • I’m a better writer than her.
  • How did she get him to marry her?
  • What kind of mother is she?
  • I can swim, run, and bike better than she can.
  • She’s fat.
  • She’s got the worst hair.
  • She tells stupid jokes and she’s so not funny.

I am embarrassed by my mistakes, I’m forgetful, and I let my family and friends down a lot.

I wish I didn’t. I wish I were better. And I guess that’s why I’m not ready to give it all  up and say I don’t give a sh^t. Because I do. The swimming, running, and biking are ways I deal with my body and my body image. This blog is how I deal with the demons in my head, and the occasional personal victory and attagirl I want to give myself. At work I try, try, try.

Last night I rode my bicycle up Kilauea Avenue three times. It wasn’t that hard. It wasn’t that easy. And although I was with a group, I had to break away, I had to do it at my own pace and not on someone else’s wheel. At the top I circled a few times before descending, heart still racing, double-vision from my tears that seem to fall when the wind blows at my face.

At the bottom I reach for my bandanna and dab my eyes, down shift, and head back up.

Seems I’m always dabbing my eyes and heading back up.

Author: lavagal

Hawaii Kai wife and mom. Melanoma Stage 3a Cancer is my new opponent. Writer, super sub teacher, triathlete, awesome cook, ocean girl with head-to-toe sun protection.

8 thoughts on “No One Has to Worry About Me.”

  1. She is a great writer!
    John’s the lucky one.
    What a mother!
    I can swim, run, and bike and wish I did it as often as her.
    She’s well-rounded.
    Love those curls.
    Tell me another joke to laugh until I cry!

  2. Awww. I luvz youz guyz! Interesting. When I woke up this morning, there was a tweet about how people prefer to read this kinda blog entry than the high and mighty glory days kinda stuff. This often gets the most feedback for me, but I like writing the fun stuff, too. Hugs to you all! Thank you so much for caring!

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